Written by Alesandra Woolley, Content Writer
Editor’s note: This article was originally written in 2019 and has since been updated. Our sister site, Mattress Advisor, conducted the survey and is now a part of Sleep Advisor.
Every long-term relationship has major milestones. The first kiss, the first “I love you,” the first big argument (and subsequent makeup). And each step is just as important as the big moments waiting for you at the end, even if they can be a little uncomfortable at times.
Just like the first time you use the restroom in front of each other or see each other’s goofy side after one too many drinks, the first time you sleep over at each other’s house can be awkward.
Whether you’re worried about your morning breath, snoring in your sleep, or having to explain the potentially gawky way you like to lie in bed, every couple has been there.
To prove it, we surveyed 1,000 people in relationships about how long it took them to feel comfortable spending the night with their significant other.
How Long Before Your First Sleep Over as a Couple?
There is no perfect timeline couples should try to follow when it comes to feeling comfortable around each other. In fact, looking over your shoulder at how well (or fast) things seem to be going compared to other people might do more harm than good. What works for one couple may not necessarily work for another, and that includes deciding when the time is right to sleep over.
According to our survey, it took women nearly four months, on average, to feel comfortable having their significant other initially stay over at their home. Men moved at a slightly quicker pace, consenting to sleepovers almost three months into their relationship.
Deciding to let your partner sleep over at your home might be easier than sleeping at their place as well. On average, it took women over four months to be comfortable initially sleeping at their partner’s place. Men needed an extra month to initially sleep at their partner’s house versus at their own home.
Don’t expect that sharing a bed means you’ll be willing to bare it all, either. Only half of people would be okay sleeping naked during their first sleepover, and 58 percent wouldn’t even consider staying the night if they dated someone who still lived with his or her parents.
What New Couples Worry About
Your first sleepover as a couple can be a bit stressful if you aren’t entirely ready for your partner to see the real “I woke up like this” side of you. Understandably, there are plenty of little things that could be playing over in your mind.
More than half of women were afraid of waking up with morning breath when sleeping at a partner’s house. Even though there are some things you can do the night before to help reduce morning breath, women were still more worried than men about how bad their breath was when first waking up. Men had a slightly different dilemma: snoring. Nearly 43 percent of men were most anxious about snoring while sleeping at a partner’s house.
Both men and women were nervous about farting in bed, moving too much in their sleep, drooling, and sleeping awkwardly. Over 16 percent of men even admitted to being anxious about their morning erections when sleeping at their partner’s house.
New Couple Sleepover Suggestions
Instead of worrying about drooling or getting up in the morning to go to the bathroom, couples should recognize that their “first night” might be awkward and try to plan accordingly. That’s why we asked our respondents for their best advice when taking the plunge.
The number one suggestion for making staying over less uncomfortable was simple: bring a toothbrush. Whether it’s to avoid having morning breath or to help you feel normal at the end of the night, being able to brush your teeth can be cathartic when sleeping in someone else’s bed for the first time.
Other easy ways to lessen the tension? Making sure you have sexual protection, refraining from snooping through your partner’s things, not touching their cell phone, and bringing a phone charger can be easy ways to help lighten the mood.
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And if you think pancakes might be a nice touch, men might agree. Compared to women, men were 17 percent more likely to suggest making breakfast for a partner in the morning.
Relationship Timeline Progress
Certain bodily functions are a fact of life. Try as you might to hold it in, there’s probably going to be a time when these awkward moments bubble up to the surface. Thankfully, life’s most uncomfortable moments might be a chance for your relationship to get a little closer.
You might think passing gas in front of someone you’re dating is about the worst thing that could happen, but eventually, it could feel pretty normal. The average person farts between seven and 13 times a day, so you probably won’t be able to avoid it forever.1
Still, women had a slightly harder time than men feeling comfortable with some of these actions. Farting in bed and going to the bathroom with the door open took nearly nine months on average, and pooping with their significant other around took women almost 11 months (over three months longer than men). Even leaving a toothbrush at their partner’s house or leaving the bed unmade took women an extra month than men, on average.
On the flipside, women were more comfortable snooping through their partner’s phone while they slept.
Common Fears for New Couples
We spoke with Aliyah Moore, Ph.D., a Certified Sex Therapist at SexualAlpha, who emphasized it’s normal to have fears about sharing a sleeping space with your partner for the first time. “Feeling anxious about spending the night with your partner for the first time is completely normal. Sharing a bed involves a high level of intimacy and vulnerability, which can naturally cause anxiety. This anxiety can come from various concerns, such as worrying about snoring, restlessness, or different sleep habits that might disturb your partner.”
Moore added that talking about these concerns ahead of time is also helpful. “Discussing any worries in advance can help reduce some of the anxiety. For example, talking about sleep preferences, like room temperature, preferred side of the bed, or any specific routines before bed, can create a more comfortable and accommodating environment for both. It is better to preserve a sense of humor and adaptability. Acknowledging that the initial few nights may not be flawless can alleviate pressure and permit both partners to gradually establish a routine that suits them.”
Below, we share some common fears that couples may have and what you can do about them.
- I’m a light sleeper. What if my partner wakes me up all the time? For light sleepers, Moore recommends using ear plugs, eye masks, or a white noise machine to help block out distractions. In cases where your partner likes to pull the covers, consider using two separate comforters, which is known as the Scandinavian Sleep Method.
- What if one of us has a snoring problem? If you’re a heavy sleeper and your significant other is the snoring culprit, try to get to bed before them so you don’t even notice their nighttime snoring. However, if the offender starts up in the middle of the night remember one thing – they can’t help it. You could also suggest having them sleep on their side as this is a better position to help reduce snoring.2
- What if we just don’t mesh well in our sleep space? Every couple is different, so it’s important to give yourselves some time to adjust. In some cases, you might not be used to sleeping beside someone, so just that alone might take some getting used to. Most importantly, make sure you’re communicating with your partner so you can find solutions together.
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Tips for Sleeping at a Partner’s House for the First Time
Pack Nightly Routine Essentials
To help you feel more at ease, bring items that you’d use as part of your regular nighttime routine at home. For many folks, this might include your favorite pajamas, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, toothbrush, and floss. Don’t forget to bring a phone charger if you typically charge your phone overnight.
Discuss Night and Morning Routines with Your Partner
Another tip from Moore is for you and your partner to establish a set of “sleep rules”, such as an agreed-upon time to go to bed, whether to keep electronics out of the bedroom, and being quiet if one of you needs to get up during the night. Moore says these rules “will help establish expectations and minimize potential disruptions.”
Pack for the Next Day
Pack a bag with a change of clothes for the next day, along with any toiletries you might need. Shampoo, soap, deodorant, makeup, hairstyling tools, a towel, and a shaving razor are just some items to consider, depending on your morning routine. This way, you’ll leave their home cleaned up and ready for the day.
Respect Your Partner’s Sleeping Environment and Living Situation
You’re staying at someone else’s home so you should respect their space. Your partner probably has toiletries available, but you should still ask before using any. The same goes for any food that’s around. Also, if your partner has a roommate, this is probably even more important since you don’t want to create a rift there. Ultimately, use your best judgment. This won’t be the case every time you stay over, but for the first time, it’s good to be as courteous as possible.
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Our Final Thoughts
No matter how you slice it, relationships can be messy. While you have plenty of time to meet each other’s parents or uncover uncomfortable truths about your pasts, it might help to get ready for when you initially fart in front of each other or have to explain why you talk in your sleep. It may not come naturally, but it might help bring you closer together.
The Advisor Says
If you haven’t crossed the threshold of sleeping over just yet, consider talking with your partner to quiet any concerns you may have, and when the time comes to sleep over together, consider packing a toothbrush, phone charger, or an extra pair of underwear to help you feel more at ease.
Methodology
We collected responses from 1,009 people on Amazon’s Mechanical Turk. Participants were 52 percent female and 48 percent male. Respondents ranged in age from 18 to 75 with a mean of 30 and a standard deviation of 9.1.
To qualify for this survey, participants had to be currently in a relationship but not actively living with their partner. They must have already slept at their partner’s house as well as had their partner sleep at their home. To determine the length of getting comfortable with each action or scenario, we ensured participants had lived through each experience before submitting their responses. Participants who didn’t experience a certain action or scenario were excluded from the analysis.
Limitations
The results shown in this study solely rely on self-reporting. Issues paired with self-reported data include but are not limited to: honesty, stereotypes, exaggeration, and response bias. Statistical testing was not performed on the results of this study. Future research around the topic of sleepovers during the honeymoon of a relationship should be explored in a more rigorous manner.
Fair Use Statement
If you intend on sharing this content with your audience (or someone about to have their first romantic sleepover), feel free to do so. Don’t doze off too quickly, and be sure to provide a link back to this page so that our contributors receive credit for the study.
Alesandra Woolley
Content Writer
About Author
Growing up in the City That Never Sleeps, she learned the hard way how important a good night of rest really is. She’s made it her mission to help others realize the same. On any given day, you’ll find Alesandra in our Mattress Lab testing the latest mattress models, interviewing specialists on the importance of sleep, or curating the most helpful content for our readers. Alesandra’s been featured in Business Insider, USA Today, MarketWatch, Elite Daily and the NY Post for her perspectives on sleep health.
References:
- “What Happens if You Hold in Farts?”. Hackensack Meridian Health. 2023.
- “Choosing the Best Sleep Position”. Johns Hopkins Medicine. Webpage accessed February 8, 2024.